Oh, to feel the burn inside of you.
The hurt and pain.
I think my sense of irony
Would truly be satisfied
At that.

And you say
I have never once put myself in your place.
You claim
I have never once bothered to consider your sadness.

I put myself there for ten years.
I stayed there long after I was done.
All for you.
All because I didn’t want to hurt you.
All because I was afraid of hurting you.

You.
You.
You.

Fuck you.

Nix that.
I won’t fuck you.
Ever again.
I won’t ever let you manipulate me
Into feeling so guilty
That I acquiesce to your every sexual need
Just to save myself from the pain
You were bound to take out of yourself
And pour into me.

I did so many things wrong.
I didn’t say what I was feeling.
I locked you out.
I was emotionally volatile and standoffish.

But think:
How was I when you met me?
How was I, just as I was beginning
To break from the shell,
The calcite of my heritage,
And become the brilliant moth
Flying away from that rotten chrysalis?

Then you netted me.
You appealed so perfectly
To my dysfunctional heart,
And you made me stay
In that place I tried to escape.
And I let you,
Damn me,
I let you.

And I sunk into oblivion for a while
And let myself be the victim
And refused to make myself a better person,
Stayed a depressed, depressing, slobbish cynic
All so I could repeat a familial pattern
That I thought I could erase
If I just tried hard enough to make us work,
To make my own family work.

And when I finally snapped to my senses
The hole was too deep
And you had me pinned
And like any wounded animal
I started to snarl and bite.

And I retaliated
And I called names
And I treated you badly
And I was wrong.

I admit it.
For all you say I don’t, I do.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.

Don’t you dare claim
That I blame you for everything.
I did this to myself, I did this to you, I did this to us.

You, though,
You did that to you, you did that to me, you did that to us.

You cannot shed yourself of guilt
Simply by trying to throw it off on me
And claim that I consider this all your fault.
It’s just another tactic for you to alleviate yourself
Of any responsibility in this,
Of any wrong doing.

Because, you always had that narcissistic streak.
You always had to be the center of attention, to be adored.
And the second my warped universe
Shifted its center
From the morbid gravity of your core,
Was the second you were bound to go supernova.

Now, you’re just trying to hold onto
The tendrils of a dead star
And burning yourself on the ashes.

And yeah,
I’m a bitch,
I’m a whore,
I’m every name in the book,
I’m everything you can throw at me.

You know what I’m not,
And what I haven’t been for a long time?

I’m not yours.

I’m mine.
And I’m happier belonging to myself.

Everyone should be so lucky
To realize how powerful they are
When they can stand alone in a room
And make themselves smile

For all that it’s nice
To have another physically please me
In a way you could have never managed
When it all comes down to it
I never would have had the courage
To go out and find
A good fuck
And truly enjoy the experience
If I wasn’t already happy
With myself
And happy being myself,
And happy being by myself,
And perfectly comfortable with the idea
That I don’t really need anyone else
Except as every human
Needs the rest of our species
In order to survive
And the occasional partner
For the occasional satisfaction
Of a primal desire.

I don’t need anyone but me to make me happy.
I just wanted someone else to enjoy the moment with.

And you said I’d never be happy.
And that’s what this is about.
You don’t want me to be happy without you.
And it’s killing you.
And you can’t accept that whether I spread my legs
Or keep them shut,
Whether I ever get published or not,
Whether I have a good job or not,

As long as I love myself
And can show my children the same,

I have everything I’ll ever want
I have everything I’ll ever need
And all of it is inside of me
And none of it is you.

You’re not needed.
You’re not wanted.
And that hurts.
And now you want revenge,
Because I had the audacity to show you the truth.

Wah.
Poor baby.
Grow the fuck up already.

And watch me smile all the way to court.

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